My Life as a Douchebag Imposter
Douchebag: Hey, have you finished your paper?
Douchebagette: No, but it's not even due for like 2 more days. I have plenty of time.
Douchebag: ARE YOU CRAZY, DUDE, YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO FINISH? IT TAKES FOREVVVVVER!
Douchebagette: Um, it's just a paper, it shouldn't be that bad...how long did you spend writing it?
Douchebag: Dude, it took me 5 days straight. Just straight writing. Seriously. Like the endnotes take like a whole day to write if you just do that and NOTHING else.
Douchebagette: Are you serious???
Douchebag: Yeah! You SERIOUSLY haven't started yet? That is ALL I did this weekend.
Douchebagette: yeah, well, I worked on it this weekend, but it didn't seem that bad. You think I'm really that wrong? you think I'm really screwed? shit, did I just screw myself? I need a good grade in that class! Shit, really, you think it's bad?
Douchebag: Yeah, man. I would NOT want to be you right now, HA! GOOD LUCK!
Douchebagette: Shit. Shit. Hey, Al, you're not finished yet, right?
Al: Yeah, totally finished. I was done like a month ago.
Douchebag: WHAT?
Douchebagette: Yeah right....you didn't even know what we were supposed to be writing about a month ago...come onnnnnnnnn......
Al: Yeah, I totally went in early and asked for the topic to get it over with.
Douchebag: So you're totally done with it? Wow. That's...cool I guess. So what, you're just studying for finals now?
Al: no.
Douchebagette: what do you mean no, then what are you doing?
Al: nothing. Just lounging.
Douchebag: JUST LOUNGING? WHAT THE FUCK?
Al: Jeez, chill out man. You really need to breathe, this kind of stress isn't healthy, you know.
Douchebag: What the hell are you talking about? You're done with your paper and you're not studying for finals? what are you doing?
Al: Just lounging. Hanging out.
Douchebag: COME ON. THAT'S REDICULOUS. YOU CAN'T BE JUST HANGING OUT THE WEEK BEFORE FINALS.
Douchebagette: She's just messing with us...why are you even taking her seriously...she's just kidding...right...?
Al: no. I'm totally serious. I'm done with my paper and I wrapped up all my studying last week. I'm just hanging out waiting for finals now. I wish they were tomorrow. I am SO ready for them. It's actually fun strategizing, you know...planning out my answers in my head and stuff...it's like a game.
Douchebag: YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY. YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR.
Al: don't get mad at me just because you slacked off, man. Seriously, dude, you need to go outside and like, appreciate nature and shit. You're going to turn into a nazi.
Douchebag: A NAZI???? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????
Douchebagette: Come on, let's go, she's just tring to get you all freaked out.
Douchebag: IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING? YOU'RE TRYING TO FREAK ME OUT SO YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN ME? THAT'S FUCKING SHITTY, MAN! YOU'RE A DICK.
Douchebagette: Come ON, lets just go...plus, I don't have time for this, I need to work on my paper...you really think it's that bad...? am I totally going to fail that class...??? Holy crap, I can't fail that class...oh man...oh shit...
Douchebag: Yeah, man, I told you, you should've been working on it a long time ago...you might be screwed.
Douchebagette: shit...oh man...shit....
Douchebagette: No, but it's not even due for like 2 more days. I have plenty of time.
Douchebag: ARE YOU CRAZY, DUDE, YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO FINISH? IT TAKES FOREVVVVVER!
Douchebagette: Um, it's just a paper, it shouldn't be that bad...how long did you spend writing it?
Douchebag: Dude, it took me 5 days straight. Just straight writing. Seriously. Like the endnotes take like a whole day to write if you just do that and NOTHING else.
Douchebagette: Are you serious???
Douchebag: Yeah! You SERIOUSLY haven't started yet? That is ALL I did this weekend.
Douchebagette: yeah, well, I worked on it this weekend, but it didn't seem that bad. You think I'm really that wrong? you think I'm really screwed? shit, did I just screw myself? I need a good grade in that class! Shit, really, you think it's bad?
Douchebag: Yeah, man. I would NOT want to be you right now, HA! GOOD LUCK!
Douchebagette: Shit. Shit. Hey, Al, you're not finished yet, right?
Al: Yeah, totally finished. I was done like a month ago.
Douchebag: WHAT?
Douchebagette: Yeah right....you didn't even know what we were supposed to be writing about a month ago...come onnnnnnnnn......
Al: Yeah, I totally went in early and asked for the topic to get it over with.
Douchebag: So you're totally done with it? Wow. That's...cool I guess. So what, you're just studying for finals now?
Al: no.
Douchebagette: what do you mean no, then what are you doing?
Al: nothing. Just lounging.
Douchebag: JUST LOUNGING? WHAT THE FUCK?
Al: Jeez, chill out man. You really need to breathe, this kind of stress isn't healthy, you know.
Douchebag: What the hell are you talking about? You're done with your paper and you're not studying for finals? what are you doing?
Al: Just lounging. Hanging out.
Douchebag: COME ON. THAT'S REDICULOUS. YOU CAN'T BE JUST HANGING OUT THE WEEK BEFORE FINALS.
Douchebagette: She's just messing with us...why are you even taking her seriously...she's just kidding...right...?
Al: no. I'm totally serious. I'm done with my paper and I wrapped up all my studying last week. I'm just hanging out waiting for finals now. I wish they were tomorrow. I am SO ready for them. It's actually fun strategizing, you know...planning out my answers in my head and stuff...it's like a game.
Douchebag: YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY. YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR.
Al: don't get mad at me just because you slacked off, man. Seriously, dude, you need to go outside and like, appreciate nature and shit. You're going to turn into a nazi.
Douchebag: A NAZI???? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????
Douchebagette: Come on, let's go, she's just tring to get you all freaked out.
Douchebag: IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING? YOU'RE TRYING TO FREAK ME OUT SO YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN ME? THAT'S FUCKING SHITTY, MAN! YOU'RE A DICK.
Douchebagette: Come ON, lets just go...plus, I don't have time for this, I need to work on my paper...you really think it's that bad...? am I totally going to fail that class...??? Holy crap, I can't fail that class...oh man...oh shit...
Douchebag: Yeah, man, I told you, you should've been working on it a long time ago...you might be screwed.
Douchebagette: shit...oh man...shit....
posted by AK at
11:40 AM
2 Comments:
Al... this is your mother... come home right now... I hate that picture of the cat... you don't have to go through this hell... but if you get through it all, just remember, I get to retire and live in the pool house that's going to be in the back of your beautiful house that you can afford to buy with all the money you're going to make because anyone who can get through the insanity of a law degree deserves to make millions of dollars, go into the court room and kick ass... at this rate no one will be able to shake you. Take a deep breath, stop smoking cigarettes, eat a proper meal, and stop posting messages on this blog... it's bad for you.
Love, your mom... who is freaking out about your twin brother and sister who are going to have the after-prom party at my house... God help me... why did I ever have children? I'd rather be in Law School!
Mom........leave her alone... She's flipping out and letting us watch...how cool is that!!
Can I share the pool house with you??
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