Al Orders a Pizza

12:28pm. Al orders a pizza.


Pizza guy #1: Pissssa by de Eslice, khold plis.

Al: wha..?(CLICK. Dialtone.)

Al: ugggg...

ring....ring....

Pizza guy #1: Piiiiissssssaaaaa by de Eslice, khan I khelp ju?

Al: Yeah. Can I have a pizza delivered?

PG#1: Khooov Cours. Khwat kint?

Al: Large cheese, please. And a bottle of Diet Coke.

PG#1: Khoookayyyyy. Khow many cops?

Al: Just one.

PG#1: Jost wan? Ju chure? khoookay...Khwit ice?

Al: Yeah. Thanks.

PG#1: Chure. Jur name?

Al: Al.

PG#1: HAL?

Al: Yeah. Al.

PG#1: Heees chort for somteeen, no? Ju are girl, jes?

Al: Yeah. It's short for Aligator.

PG#1: ALIGAT...AHHHHHH.....chu are the foooooneeeeeeyyyyy....Khokay
HAL, ees comin in one khalf khour.

Al: Thanks.


One Khalf Khour later.

knock knock. Pizza dude shields his eyes as he tries to look into Al's window which she's sitting less than a foot away from on the other side. He sees her looking at him like the twerp he is. He scares himself, gets embarassed.

she opens the door.

Pizza Guy #2: Hey...You...uh..."Al"?

Al: Yeah.

PG#2: HA! REALLY?!?

Al: Yeah. What the hell?

PG#2: Oh, dude, I was totally expecting like a hairy lumberjack, not like
a 21 year old chick.

Al: I'm not 21. And I could totall be a hairy lumberjack for all you
know.

PG#2: Uh, Yeah RIGHT. You weigh like 100 lbs! and I don't see any
mustache or anything, dude.

Al: Ug. Can I have my pizza.

PG#2: Sure. Dude, you know our store is like across the street from you, right?

Al: Yeah.

PG#2: So like, why would you order a pizza that takes a half an hour to get here, when you can walk across the street and get one in like 5 minutes?

Al: Because I don't like being outside. It's much more convenient this way.

PG#2: WHAT? Dude...what kind of a thing is that to say, man?

Al: I just don't like being outside. What's the big deal.

PG#2: Dude...you're like a Nazi.

Al: A Nazi?!? What the hell are you talking about.

PG#2: Yeah, dude. They hated the outside. It was too unstructred.
That's why they wanted to take over the world. So they could pour
cement on everything and impose their crazy rules.

Al: (Sigh)...ok. Can I have my pizza.

PG#2: Dude! Don't you even care that you're totally acting like one of
them??? Dude, come here, take a look around, it's so beautiful!
Check it out!

Al: No thanks. Can I have my pizza.

PG#2: Come ON! The trees! The plants! The flowers, dude! Come
here! Come on! Come here! Check it out!

Al: No thanks. Can I please have my pizza.

PG#2: No WAY man! Are you SERIOUS? Just come out here for ONE second!
Check out what a beautiful place you live in! The sun is OUT!
Listen to the birds, man! It's NATURE!

Al: Give me my pizza.

PG#2: DUDE! You are CRAZY! It's BEAUTIFUL out here! And you don't even
need this thing, man, Pizza's baaaaaaad for you! Dude, look at you,
you look great, but if you want to stay that way you gotta eat some
good shit, man! And dude, you're all by yourself...you're going
to eat this whole thing, and sit inside like a big fat Nazi, man!
That's not healthy! Come outside for like a second, dude!

Al: GIVE ME MY PIZZA!!!!

PG#2: WOAH! DUDE! ALRIGHT! HERE! But, MAN! you have some SERIOUS
issues! You NEED to get out! This is not HEALTHY! Dude...here's
my card, man...I teach surfing lessons. Seriously, give me a call,
man. I'll show you how much you're missing.
I am seriously going to pray to the wind for you, dude.

Al: GREAAAAAAAAAT. THAAAAAAANKS. (Door SLAMS)

Pizza Guy 2 walks off muttering something about fat Nazis. Al sits on the floor, rips open box with right hand, burns mouth, hand and lips on cheezy deliciousness, fumbles with coke bottle with greasy left hand.

(End of Scene)