Okay...listen..

Mom...I love you. I really, really do....but, we need to talk about something. I know you've never seen me as stressed out as I've been these past two years. I know you don't appreciate me calling you to tell you who at my school I'm plannig to kill next. And I know you're at a loss as to how to console me when I call you, half drunk, cursing and screaming about how horrid my life is. But, Mom, if you tell me ONE MORE TIME not to worry about getting a job because I'm CUTE and anybody I interview with will see that and WANT TO HIRE ME ON THE SPOT...because IM CUTE...I'm going to lose it. Seriously Mom. LOSE IT. I'M NOT APPLYING TO BE A GODDAMNED STUFFED ANIMAL. IT'S NOT LIKE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SAY, WOW, SHE'S GOT THE CUTEST FAT CHEEKS FROM EATING KRISPY CREAM AND MCDONALDS ALL DAY EVERY DAMN DAY, I SHOULD PUT MY LIFE AND ALL OF MY ASSETS IN HER HANDS. OOH, HER GREASY HAIR REMINDS ME OF WHEN DAD USED TO TEACH JIMMY AND THE BOYS HOW TO CHANGE OIL IN THE DRIVEWAY. THAT'S SO CUTE. LETS PUT HER AT THE HELM OF OUR MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR MEDICAL MALPRACTICE LITIGATION FIRM.
Mom. I love you. I do. BUT STOP GIVING ME REDICULOUS ADVICE!!! Oh, and while we're having this family meeting...Hey Dad...Lets stop this faux "calling to see how you're doing" bullshit, and call it like it is: the weekly "I just wanted to remind you how fucking lucky you are to be living my dream, since your unplanned birth ruined my entire life and I never got to know the beauty of the life that you shit all over every day" call. Because, as far as I know, "BE THANKFUL THAT YOU'RE NOT IN MEDICAL SCHOOL, WHERE EVERY MISTAKE YOU MAKE CAN LEAD TO SOMEBODY BEING DEAD" is not exactly the appropriate response to "well, to be honest, I really hate my life, Daddy..." And honestly, it would make more sense if you said "BE THANKFUL THAT YOU'RE NOT ON A ONE WAY ROCKET TRIP TO THE MOON WITH NO IDEA WHEN OR IF YOU'LL EVER RETURN TO EARTH AGAIN" because I think that would be more plausible than me going to med school. Seriously. Ok...I think I'm done here. Good talk.